I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

This week I fully internalized that it’s April. The year is almost halfway over and I barely noticed at all (why does this happen every year?). When I did my Miracle Morning a few days ago, I looked at the goals I set in January and my monthly goals and I realized a lot of things that I’ll share here so, hopefully, I can help someone else who might be in the same place.

1) In the conventional sense, I failed
In my system, I have 2016 goals for the year overall. Each month, my monthly goals are small steps to accomplish those big year goals. But once I hit mid-February, I just… stopped. Everything was so overwhelming with work, school, the projects I was doing. The BuJo system was definitely helping, but it can only do so much. You can write down an endless amount of tasks, but if you don’t have the strength to get them done, the planner can’t help you. It’s a tool. Once we hit March, I went down from 15 monthly goals to just 5, only one of which I managed to cross off.

2) Failure is incredibly good
I spectacularly failed. I didn’t fill out my habit tracker, I wasn’t using my BuJo. I wasn’t doing anything because I was too sick to handle things (I’ll talk more about this in another post). But if I hadn’t failed so spectacularly, I might not have realized my mistakes.
Because having 15 goals in a month is just unreasonable. I was asking too much of myself when I was in a bad place; I was setting myself up for failure. My priority, above everything written prettily in my notebook, was to take care of myself.
And to be honest, I was kind of hoping to fail. The BuJo is full of beautiful, artistic journals and it’s really easy to get caught up in wanting to ‘achieve’ that perfection. Because dear God, some people make their dailies look museum quality. In failing, I proved to myself that it’s impossible to be perfect. I faced the fear of ‘failing’ at BuJo-ing, and I faced the fact that the BuJo is a tool and nothing more.
I also ‘failed’ at minimalism. (I’m going to stop using quote marks now because you get the point.) I bought a lot of crap when I was sad, because giving myself presents made me feel better. And, in my defense, a lot of it was very useful things I’d been planning on buying anyway. Just not all at once. And I still use it now, and I’m grateful for those things. But at the time I thought that buying anything was bad. It was an unhealthy mindset, and extreme that I shouldn’t have gone to but went to anyway.

I’m in a better place now and I’ve had a chance to take a few breathers to truly assess what’s going on. This midyear slump has been good to me, as awful as it was to experience, and I feel a little better going into summer. I don’t know what I’m doing, but no one does really so it’s all okay.

Let me know if you’ve experienced this too, and how you plan to/did come back from it!

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